When things are investigated, knowledge is extended. When knowledge is extended, the will becomes sincere. When the will is sincere, the mind is correct. When the mind is correct, the self is cultivated. -- Confucius

6/18/12

Coming Undone

Cold, alone, I hang in ruins...

Loneliness is a terrible state and leads to several unsavory maladies such as depression, sorrow, and suicidal tendencies. That's alright though, as long as the person who hurled someone into this state is having a good time. That's how it works when a woman leaves a man these days: the woman is strong, she is brave and independent, she is moving on with her life that the man just must be ruining somehow. So she deserves all the emotional and logistical support she can get in order to do what she wants to- right or wrong she is the female and will always be favored no matter the circumstances. Was she abused somehow, was she cheated on, was she ignored too much, what was wrong? It must have been all those things; that's what men do to women right? And asking the man will only net you lies it is assumed. So to hell with him.

On the other hand, when a man wants to leave a woman he is an evil bastard, leaving her to the dogs with nothing. Her finances will be disrupted, she will have to struggle to find lodging or to pay bills. She might even get upset! So the man is always wrong when he wants to break up with someone; you know men- those cheating abusive dickheads that just use women and then discard them at random times.

Unfortunate in the extreme is the fact that these attitudes are highly prevalent in society at large, and men always become scapegoats for all relationship problems. It matters not if the woman is the one cheating, abusing, blowing the money, or whatever. Male always wrong. 

Case in point: me.

I had been with a girlfriend for close to 6 years. We were close, inseperable, and akin to married. Common-law married even, according to some states. Like all relationships, we got into a rut and became bored with our life. Realizing this, we both tried to revamp things and improve our relationship. It was working. We talked more, we went to more places together (places besides the store, etc.). We seemed happier and things were fine for quite a while.

So, so you think you can tell 
Heaven from Hell, 
Blue skies from pain. 
Can you tell a green field 
From a cold steel rail? 
A smile from a veil? 
Do you think you can tell? 
Did they get you to trade 
Your heroes for your ghosts? 
Hot ashes for trees? 
Hot air for a cool breeze? 
Cold comfort for change? 
And did you exchange 
A walk on part in a war, 
For a lead role in a cage? 

How I wish, how I wish you were here. 
We’re just two lost souls 
Swimming in a fish bowl, 
Year after year, 
Running over the same old ground. 
What have we found? 
The same old fears. Wish you were here.+ 

One day we were planning to go to see my mom who lives 100 miles from us. At the last minute, she said she had a backache and a headache so she did not want to go. I did not believe her and was annoyed she didn't want to see my mom again. I told her I didn't believe it. I then said jokingly, ' for all I know you might move out and be gone when I get back,'. She said, 'you're right, and it's happening right now.'. I looked at her in shock as she was so serious. A few seconds later, there was a knock at the door. Surprise- over a dozen of her relatives had swarmed to town to help her move out. Only a few of the females came into the house, as the men were apparently too afraid I would attack them. (Perhaps I should have). I tried to talk to her, I tried to reason, I begged for an explanation. Her words were bullshit; nonsense. She had no reason, she was just doing this and that was that. The sheer cowardliness of the plan to move out when I went to my mom's for the day was telling. She sure did not want this confrontation with me. She was unprepared and had no explanation in mind. She said she planned to leave me an email. What would she have written? I never found out- as a matter of fact I had to bother her via texts and facebook messages for two weeks straight before I even got a letter from her. Her response was little more than garbled hand-wringing excuses and cherry picked incidents of where I hurt her feelings a few times over the years. It was not really a reply to my queries of why. A more recent talk with her netted the info that she was stressed and we argued without words. Not kiddding...

So what did I do to deserve this walkout? I racked my brain with this question for a long time. I never abused her at all, nor any woman ever. I didn't cheat on her. I am not some alcoholic nor a drug addict. I had been bending over backwards to pay her lots of attention and improve our life. She was in charge, and I was the servant of all her whims. I worshipped her and she knew it. So can she really make me out to be some typical bum/loafer type that lives off his old lady in some tv style stereotypical way? I don't see how. So what was the real reason she left me?

When I'm all alone 
And no one else is there 
Waiting by the phone 
To remind me I'm still here 
When shadows paint the scenes 
Where spotlights used to fall 
And I'm left wondering 
Is it really worth it all?*

Her relatives had a lot to do with it. Her dad did not like me because I was out of work off and on- nevermind the fact that when I did have work it paid well and I caught us up on everything, sharing my money freely with her. Her stepmom didn't like me because she thought I wasn't religious enough. A bible thumper herself, she was very concerned about the brooms hung over my doorways. This old tradition is equivalent to hanging up a horseshoe and has nothing to do with her satan complex. She never had the guts to ask though and just let her imagination run wild. Meanwhile her little sis recently broke up with her fiance and egged her on about how great single life is. The little sis is a sweet gal but not exactly good for advising others on social issues, as she is young, inexperienced, and immature. Her cousin who she was so close to also encouraged the breakup, as she hadn't had a boyfriend in about 10 years. 41 year olds living with mom are known to give out great advice after all- especially ones who revel in phony hypochondriacal mental issues to get attention. The whole lot of them sucked up the attitudes mentioned at the beginning of this diatribe, and since they are a fractured family they jump on any chance to prove they are a close family. I've seen it before: divorces, steps and halves, adopted and sort of relation, the great step-grandpa by marriage and the sort-of-sister that isn't really related at all, and so on, ad nauseum. Fractured families cling to pseudo-relatives and sort-of affiliations to feel like they are really close after all. In the end it's all a pitiful farce. So the unit of 'relatives' banded together to help out the pitiful female relative who needed help leaving her evil male figure. Despite all the family hype, I was never accepted by them due to my lack of bible waving. Not one had the decency or respect for me, or respect for all I had done for her, to let me know something was amiss. No one said, 'hey, she is unhappy- you need to talk to her,' or anything like that. They all talked and schemed behind my back and planned out the great escape from Evil Broom Guy. Most of all though it was due to one other person.

Enter the gorgon...


pic by dark reaper 12

What if you did? 
What if you lied? 
What if I avenge? 
What if eye for an eye?* 

That thing that was born of an illicit affair in this fractured family, lived in different households than its sisters for most of its life and was pretty much little known and less liked by the rest of the clan. She was a name; not in the loop of relatives who play the close knit family game. During the time she did live with my ex, her half sister, she abused her sister so bad it bordered on abuse and child mental problems- according to others who told me about their upbringings with her. In later years she accused her stepdad, my ex's dad, of molesting her. No one in the family believed it at all and there was no evidence, and no one was ever charged. I don't believe it either. My ex hated her for this. Later on, she became an alcoholic and went overboard wrecking cars and so on, having extreme mood swings and driving all around her batty. Then she found the bible and stopped drinking, only to enroll in college and develop an extreme arrogance. She was so stuck up it wasn't even funny. After all- she lived in Dunwoody- a posh part of Atlanta, and she was in college too. She got a credit card and bought some fancy furniture with it, and also zipped around the city in a little Honda with ghetto accessories on it. So when we stayed with their mom for a few months in another area of the Atlanta metro, she couldn't resist nosing in. She took us out to a restaurant one day to tell us how we were messing up their mom's house too much and needed to clean it. How we were responsible for 20 years of smoking residue in a closed up house is beyond me. Once we moved from there, my ex was glad to be out of there and away from her half sister.

Then when their mom was dying later she went down there to see her. She stayed a couple weeks and allegedly did a lot of talking with the halfsis. She also could have been seeing her ex that lived down there and is a brother of her best friend, but hey I 'm not accusing anything here. When she returned all was well and I never mentioned her ex.

A couple years later her halfsis had a crisis. She was drinking again and driving everyone nuts again. She quit her job and was 'suicidal'. She lied about where she was calling from and seemed to be playing games with us. But the family code kicked in, you know- that mafioso type crap that says to help everyone remotely blood related no matter how bad they've fucked you in the past. So they hatched a plan to have my ex go get her and transport her up to an aunt's house in our state.(She incessantly bitched about her hosts, hating her cousin and dissing her aunt and uncle, and also blaming them for her dog getting run over. Her free room and board just wasn't enough to satisfy her apparently.) She was going to start over. Fine, we all deserve second chances right? We borrowed a trailer from the man she had accused of molesting her, which I put my tires onto at my expense and also rewired. I then adapted it to fit my truck and got the rig ready. I aided the plan without complaint and she really could not have come up here without all my help that no one ever thanked me for. (Coulda, woulda, shoulda: I will kick myself forever for that one...). This time the ex stayed a week. Why it took a week to load a trailer I am still unclear on, but hey I'm just an evil male so who am I to question how long it takes two people to load a freaking pickup box trailer? Regardless, after it was all done with, the halfsis started dropping in on the weekends. This was also thanks to me giving permission for her to sleep in my recliner next to our bed, as this was asked of me and seemed to be an impediment to the planned visits until I assured them it would be okay. Yet another mistake I made...

The ungrateful bitch used the time to go to great pains to break us up. She had to be chauffered around town to look at every house they ever lived in since they were 2 years old, to reminisce and so on- allegedly. The short time they lived together when kids and few houses they shared should have made this task an hour long max, but it somehow took all weekend- for three weekends in a row. The bitch wouldn't speak to me, she just wanted to get my ex out of the house/away from me- asap, and keep her gone as long as she could. The 'but this is my SISTER' argument wore thin very quickly. I wanted to know where they were going, I wanted to know when she was returning, I wanted to talk to her too. A few times I also wanted something to eat, as she conveniently stopped buying groceries and I had nothing at home at all while she sat on her entire check. Asking for supper made me an interfering asshole, according to them. This, while they went out to eat at restaurants. Funny how she refused to go anywhere at all with me after her halfsis moved to our state, trashing our successful ongoing plan to go out more; and then, she would only go places with miss gorgon: the mall, lakes, restaurants, roadtrips, country drives, etc. etc. While I sat at home alone and hungry. And I was painted as the bad guy.

What if your words could be judged like a crime?*

Suddenly she announced one day that the halfsis was not coming up the next weekend. I was elated. We went to the park, hung out, got along excellent. We talked about her and agreed to compromise on some issues. It was all good. Saturday night she bought me a 12 pack of a new expensive kind of beer (so much for her later complaints that I was an alkie). We got drunk and I will spare ye the details. Suffice it to say we got along great. Next morning, she bails on the mom trip and is moving out. So the whole thing was a deception. She tricked me into thinking we were alright. The plan to sneak out was foiled at least: she was forced to see how upset I was as she screwed me over.

I was left with 2 weeks to find a job, make enough money to pay the rent, put all the utilities in my name, buy some food, and everything else. She did give me a hundred dollars for my and the cat's prescriptions, I will admit. But the remaining eleven dollars I had in my pocket was not going to cut it. It was a recipe for homelessness and she had to know it. She cared so little about me and the cats that she chose to leave us high and dry, knowing full well we would end up living in the cab of my pickup. I was so screwed, it boggles the mind. I am not an idiot though, and used the only thing I had to keep my pets in a house: my mind.



Surviving the Sorrow...

I barely managed to keep the place and its utilities. Surely a disappointment to her and the gorgon, but I did what I had to do and made it work. Now, four months later, I am not loaded but making it, living alone. I got ocassional texts from her reminding me she was alive; little more. Then she blocked me on facebook and completely ignored me on texts and calls. I was not harassing her at all- maybe one communication per week was attempted. But my last letter to her must have struck a nerve; there must be something she just cannot answer without admitting she was wrong or feeling the guilt. She has been instructed to move on by Gorgon, and so she is... And so the woman won her struggle for freedom from Evil Broom Man. I hope they are all proud of themselves. It's not every day you get to play a role in wrecking a long term relationship which was at its peak no less.

Every Rose has its thorn, that thorn being a weakness for familial meddling. So I do not fight for her, as the old saying applies: if you love something set it free- if it returns it has always loved you, if it doesn't its family has brainwashed it and zombification has ocurred.

I can't find the rhyme in all my reason 
I've lost sense of time and all seasons 
I feel I've been beaten down 
By the words of women who have no grounds 
I can't sleep beneath the trees of wisdom 
When your ax has cut the roots that feed them 
Forked tongues in bitter mouths 
Can drive a man to bleed from inside out* 

Interlude credits: 
Pink Floyd + 
Creed*






 © james platt 2012

2 comments:

  1. Hope to hear from you soon again..your posts are quite interesting

    ReplyDelete
  2. That was an interesting read. Unfortunately, that sort of behavior you experienced isn't privy to significant others. I've lived through it via a toxic mother/daughter relationship.
    Sometimes, we have to know when it's time to just call it quits bc life in general requires many, many battles... choose your battles carefully, life is too short to deal with toxic people unless you're willing to force a change and the only thing we can change is ourselves and our situations.
    Kudos for you for hanging on to your pets and home.
    Strive to stay happy!!

    ReplyDelete

insightful comments appreciated. name calling deleted.